Penny Arcade

Hotly anticipated - by Batjew - State Of Emergency has arrived, and it’s largely irrelevant.  Like some mini-game run amok, creeping to the edge of the platter until the entire disc is overcome, SoE takes (arguably) the worst parts of GTA3 - the running around and shooting - and stretches out that Dentyne-esque five minutes of flavor into this epic cord of mediocrity.  I guess it’s sort of controversial - I guess - but it wants it so bad that I’m loathe to grant it.  Here’s something to keep you occupied while you aren’t buying it.

For the last few days, people have been directing my attention to articles on “Hate Games” - mods in essence, centered around racial themes.  Like the Columbine thing for Half-Life, you don’t have to wonder what the PR ramifications are for gaming in the mass media.  That’s probably worth investing some thought in.  These games are an expressive medium - something we regularly contend here at Penny Arcade - so it was only a matter of time until someone chose to express something that we disagree with.  Nazis or Aliens today likely take umbrage at ninety percent of the product in a given game shop.  When people get really mad at these things, or whatever, I hope they understand that this is how many people feel about our games in general - that they represent and reward depravity, pugilism, and senseless violence.  It’s fine to feel that way, but the same edifice that empowers dumbasses to produce this kind of shit underpins and protects our ability to express anything, let alone a game that lets you shoot off any one of fifty distinct body parts.  Are people going to be all, “Oh, I guess Jews are crafty” because they played some Goddamned videogame?  Not any more than they’re going to want to drive over Grandma after playing GTA3.  Do games negatively impact behavior or don’t they?  We’ve maintained every other time it comes up that the psychological toll of this passtime is negligible.  It’s good to go back over your arguments once you start sounding like the other side.   

It was too late to get in on that Dungeon Siege contest I mentioned, the info I sent never went where it was supposed to go - but Steve (the guy who is handling the whole thing, he’s been very nice to us) is handing over two copies to give out any way we please.  He may regret it:  I give you “Penny Arcade’s Embarrass Yourself In Public Dungeon Siege Win-It-Before-You-Can-Buy-It Giveway,” and absolutely anyone can play.  Here’s how. 

• You will humiliate yourself for our amusement in a public place, and provide us with evidence of the fact.  Working PA into it might help.  All evidence, victorious or not, will be posted on the site.

• It’s not our fault if you get in trouble.

• Nudity doesn’t get you any bonus points*.

*Nudity will get you bonus points

The contest will end on March 8th, 2002.  That means there’s only two weeks left to erode your sense of self!

(CW)TB out.

a logical progression on the timeline

I don’t know if there’d be any interest in this, but it can’t hurt to mention it.  I’ve zipped up the course Gabe and I goof around with in SimGolf, and it could be a lot worse.  Hole 9 is a travesty, please don’t judge us by the ninth hole.

(CW)TB

I wanted to step up to the plate and give you some of my own thoughts regarding State of Emergency. As many of you know I’m a big fan of old school gaming. Some of my favorite games of the past were games like Streets of rage, Double Dragon and Final Fight. Old school brawlers have a special place in my heart. I think that is why I loved and continue to love Zombie Revenge so much. I mean that is a game that takes all the best stuff about a side scrolling brawler and “kicks it up a notch”. When I first saw SOE at E3 last year I thought I was in for more of the same. After playing the game I can see that is not the case. SOE is like a brawler without the stuff that makes a brawler good and a mission based adventure game without the stuff that makes one of those good. You get lots of great weapons and plenty of people to beat up. However there is very little progression. Mission after mission has you running around in the same mall doing basically the same thing. Or China town which, lets face it is pretty much just the mall with pagodas. I mean I like shooting people with shotguns as much as the next guy but it’s just more fun to do in a game like zombie revenge where you are progressing through different environments. When you play zombie revenge you’ll be all like “ooh I’m in the sewer”, “ooh now I’m on a fucking train”, “ooh fuck ya now I’m in a goddmaned haunted house.” Whereas with SOE you’ll be all like “ooh I’m still in the mall, why won’t Jesus just take me back home and end my suffering.” So maybe SOE wasn’t trying to be a brawler. Maybe they were trying to strike out and form their own genre. Well more power to them in that case. The problem is their genre is really boring.

Why. Why in the name of God would you show off these screen shots. If your game looks like ass keep it to your self. I don’t understand why a company would do this to themselves. Maybe their Bruce Lee game will rock, I don’t know. The fact of the matter is when ever I hear the name from now on I will think “oh that is the game that looks like shit.” That is the message they have delivered to consumers. What PR guy thought that showing this crap was a good plan? I would suggest that it’s better to release nothing at all. Hell that would probably get people talking about it. You know, keep it all mysterious and shit. Then once people actually buy it they can find out that it looks like a Playstation one game. I have decided that I will offer my services to all game developers to help them determine whether or not to release a screen shot. Simply send it to me first and I will tell you whether or not it looks like ass. If I like it you can even put a quote on your game box or magazine ad stating “Gabe doesn’t think it looks like ass!”

A lot of People mailed me complaining about the IGN message boards being moved to their insider service. I honestly don’t care since I stopped visiting IGN after their latest re-design anyway. It’s like they had a meeting where they tried to decide how best to fuck over their site and make it impossible to find any content. As for their forums being a part of insider now, I can’t say I blame them. They are just trying to pay their bills. Not to mention the fact that there are plenty of free forums around for you to talk about how the Gamecube is for kiddies or the x box suxorz.

Guilty Gear XX looks fucking awesome. Thanks madman.

Anyone out there have a Metal Slug 3 AES cart or a Sengoku 3 AES cart? Well I can draw. Lets talk trade.

-Gabe out.

I wanted to love State of Emergency, I REALLY DID.  Everything I saw at E3 lead me to believe that this would be the game that was made specifically for me personally.  And yet here I am, almost a year later, a sad, sad jew.  No amount of pepper spraying cringing women can change my mind now.  I spent most of last night trying to force myself to love it.  I was willing to look past the fact that CAPTAIN PHAT-PANTS was REPRESENTING on the box art, secure in my memories of yesteryear that this game would be so much fucking fun it wouldn’t matter if Eminem was the main character(to those keeping track: I HATE YOU HIP-HOPPING, DROOPY-PANTS WEARING, TUPAC-IS-STILL-ALIVING, FORGETTING ABOUT DRE’ING BEATERS).

I felt like a desperate man trying to pretend a crack whore is Betty Page, but despite the leather corset I put her in I just can’t get around the fact that her hair is falling out, she’s missing most of her teeth and she’s shaking a cheeseburger at me.  THAT’S how badly I wanted to love this game.  EB is having a deal where if you trade in GTA3 you can get this game for $15 or something…  DON’T DO IT.