It is a very good thing that we had the foresight to produce today’s comic on Wednesday, as I am typing this newspost from the Goddamn maternity ward while Gabriel paces out there in the hallway.
Bewildered young husbands stumble up and down the hall outside this room, I can see them dangling teddy bears by the paw looking for all the world like lost children. Sometimes they look over at me and I just shrug at them. I don’t have anything for you, man. Good job on the fertilization and everything, but your situation is still something I’m trying desperately to avoid.
I showed up at the waiting room with an Xbox and a PS2, just to be certain. Everyone has seen the ridiculous movies and television programs where harried, powerless men rush madly about, and I determined that this was precisely the type of bullshit that wasn’t going down on my watch. We played Burnout 3 from eleven in the afternoon until nine o’clock at night, intermittently comforting Gabe and being horrified at the workings of feminine machinery. Pork, Brad, and I set our minds on the acquisition of tremendous destruction bonuses in the crash mode, believing that if we could only amass fifty million dollars and gain access to the Semi, we would have done our part in the day’s long exertions. Friends, it was not easy. but I am proud to say that we succeeded.
When he told me this pregnancy thing was for real, triumphantly declaring that he “makes boys,” I told him precisely what I thought - that any idiot is capable of this feat, and that - in actual point of fact - idiots engage in this kind of thing more than anyone else, which is why it can be so hard to get a decent cappuccino. I was being mean to him, it’s kind of what I do, but he really was describing the most common, most ordinary event on our planet. There are two ways to interpret this.
The first way is to dismiss it, as I did initially.
The second way, the way that now seems apparent, is to recognize that the significance of an event isn’t necessarily diluted by its frequency. Consider that we might live absolutely encompassed by marvels and wonders. I am suggesting that we are up to our asses in signs and portents that we are quick to omit or can’t interpret.
This is not my usual state. I am making an exception.
It is my great pleasure to introduce to you Gabriel Aiden Krahulik, weighing no less than six pounds four ounces, born at 8:15 pm on the ninth of September, 2004.
here comes your man