Jesus Herman Christ. Have you seen the latest screen shots at Gamespot for Panzer Dragoon Orta? You all know that I don’t give two shits about the X-Box. Just when I start to think that maybe I should cut them some slack I read crap like this:
“Xbox empowers game artists by giving them the technology to fulfill their creative visions as never before, creating games that blur the lines between fantasy and reality.”
I know you can’t see me right now, but I am laughing my ass off. I may need to get a new ass if I am unable to find this one later. I mean what the fuck are they talking about here? Are you telling me that the guys behind Bruce Lee: Quest of the Dragon could not have brought their vision of a shitty brawler to life without the unimaginable power of the X-Box?
There isn’t a single game currently made for the system that I am even slightest bit interested in playing. In fact a few months ago when hunter came out, Tycho packed up his X-Box and brought it over to my house. We played it for a bit (it’s not half as good as zombie revenge on the Dreamcast) and then he packed it all back up and took it home. It has been sitting all packed up in it’s box ever since. He has had absolutely no reason to even take the fucking thing out of its box for months now. Thanks to Sega I have to actually go and buy one of these worthless fucking systems come September. Thanks a lot Sega! What the fuck did I ever do to you? I have had your back since the goddamned Master System. When all my friends were playing Mario, I was locked away in my room playing Alex Kidd. I even bought your fucking 32x to go along with my Sega CD system. And this is how you repay me? Well you win Sega. I must have your Panzer Dragoon Orta and so I must have an X-Box. So thanks to you, in September I will walk into EBX and purchase one of those vile machines and a copy of Panzer Dragoon. The taste of bile will fill my mouth as I sign the receipt. It will take every ounce of self control I have not to wretch as I remove it from its box. It will sit next to my other consoles like a giant black monolith, a constant reminder of your betrayal and our failed union. Then I’ll play your Panzer Dragoon, and it will be great. All will be forgiven. Once again I’ll be eternally grateful that there is a Sega and that I am lucky enough to play your games, no matter what system they are on.