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anon / on Mon, Jul 1 2002 at 11:37 am

Attack Of The Morons!

I got a mail this morning that I’d like to share with you all.

hi this is Erin Yutzie. My friend Chanelle Strawn and me were wondering how
we could get a license to own a monkey. Right now we are saving our money to
go to Asia for a couple pf months and we want to get one of those really
small monkeys and they stay that small. But we don’t exactly know how to get
a license to bring them back to America. I thought i could turn to you for
help and i hope that you can help me. All we want is like some sort of form
to fill out to be able to get a monkey license.

Sincerely,
Erin & Chanelle

Erin & Chanelle, thanks for writing.  General interest in monkeys is at an all-time high, and with the American economy back on the upswing, many people are looking at becoming first-time monkey-owners.  To answer your question, how the FUCK should I know?  Was my email address askdrmonkey@getallyourstupidquestionsanswered.com?  Does having the word Monkey in my screen name seem to indicate that I’m some kind of renowned expert on monkey affairs?  For that matter, do you think that Tycho knows anything about astronomy, or Gabe anything about life as an Arch-Angel?

Hey, as long as I’m out here, I’d like to point you all over to Evil Avatar for his impressions of Neverwinter Nights.  I know you all are pretty busy, so I’ll try and highlight some of his more notable comments.

“Multiplayer? When did they add that in? It must have been in the Collector’s Edition because there wasn’t any included in my copy.”

“According to reports the single player campaign is set up for one player and not at all balanced for a campaign of 5 - 6 player characters.”

“Hell, there aren’t even any gameplay “Types” included in NWN. There is PvP or Co-Op and that is it. No CTF or other types of “goal based” missions and no short “quest” maps for people to even play co-op and no maps designed just for Deathmatch. BioWare really dropped the ball big time.”

“All the included was the single player campaign. You might have time to spend hours editing and adjusting the difficulty on those maps so that they are finally suitable for co-op play, but I’m not going to. And what you are also forgetting is that not everyone wants to play with a Dungeon Master. Perhaps what we wanted to play was co-op on some decent maps or perhaps what we wanted to play was just Deathmatch or Team Deathmatch on some decent maps.”

Wow… I guess congratulations are in order, Evil!  I didn’t know you were a total fucking retard!  Way to go, buddy!

What kind of crack are you smoking?  No CTF maps?  Deathmatch only?  I’m not sure we’re even talking about the same game anymore… maybe he’s playing The Resident of Evil Creek.  Has Evil ever played any kind of desktop role-playing game?

Aside from simply not having two brain-cells to rub together, his critical problem is labeling the “single player campaign” as such.  Bad news, kids… that’s not what it is.  It is simply a “campaign,” and as anyone who’s not Evil Avatar can tell you, most D&D campaigns are intended to be played by multiple folks.  Now, how might someone who’s never played tabletop D&D know this?  Well, gosh, how about the level-changing tooltip that mentions the game was designed to be too hard for a single person?  Did that tip anybody ELSE off, or am I the only one who noticed?

I also like how he said “there are reports the game is not balanced for multiplayer!”  What, were you too busy polishing your journalistic integrity to go check it out for yourself?  I’m halfway through the second chapter, and I think the game scales itself quite well… when we load up 5 people on a server, I see all kinds of weird monsters and shit that I know wasn’t there before.  If it’s not challenging enough for you, why don’t you take a look at their marvelous Game Options menu?  They’re using this incredible new “slider” technology to “scale” the difficulty!  IMAGINE THAT!

Speaking of lag, I play with about 5-6 folks on a server all the time, and I don’t have any of the issues he repeatedly bitches about… but at this point, I’m not sure he’s even qualified to tell us about things he thinks he saw more than 5 minutes in the past.  Yeah, I know they said 8 players on dialup, but the box also says it runs on a P2 450 w/ a TNT2 video card, and you might be shocked to know that it probably wouldn’t run at 1280x1024 with full textures on that box… you have to take some of these claims with a grain of salt, asshole.

Jesus… was it just National Stupid Day today, and someone forgot to let me know?

(CW)Safety Monkey


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