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Tycho / on Mon, Jan 3 2005 at 4:30 am

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Alone In The Dark

I’m having an issue with the upload script, no doubt a ripple created by some year change bullshit.  It is no matter, I am resourceful and man enough to be called master by FTP.  Behold, sir:  your comic strip.

Uwe Boll is directing a film based on the (apparently liquefied and reconstituted) Alone In The Dark games, a trailer for which can be seen here but don’t take that as an endorsement.  I just put some HTML around it is all.  That hardly counts as an edict, and anyway this new trailer doesn’t really hit the high comedic notes like House of the Dead’s “That’s Spanish For Death.”  It’s just a trailer for a movie I don’t want to see, that happens to be called something I once recalled with affection.  Budgets are, inexplicably, up.  Look at Tentacle Bob there in the trailer.  That don’t cost a hundred bucks. 

I never know exactly what it is I’m seeing as I watch the career arc of Uwe Boll.  I’ve thus far considered him to be a kind of perpetual failure machine, like some lever is constantly being pulled and questionable films are being produced which are perceived by the optic nerve where they enter the brain and men die.  I would never have suggested that he meant to do what he does - careening from license to license, scraping out anything wholesome and throwing the husk at me - but there is plainly a trajectory here and the universe does not appear to be reprimanding him.

The comic isn’t about him, it’s about Christian Slater.  When we were in California last time for E3, I actually saw him outside one of the tchotchke holes that burrow up on Hollywood Boulevard.  He had clearly reinvented himself as a thugged out hooligan who kept it real for the streets, and offered me a compact disc he had recorded under the pseudonym Slate Dogg.  He also had a selection of excellent watches.

The album was only seven dollars.  I recorded an album no-one ever listened to myself, so I gave it a shot.  He makes it clear on the opening track that under no circumstances will he tolerate his styles being bitten, nor should one attempt bite his stylos.  He also has dark words for wack emcees but I don’t want to spoil it. 

(CW)TB out.

i’m pretty when i lie


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