Perhaps Too Real
Is it safe to come out? Have people stopped fucking around with everybody? Alright. Let’s go.
It is a problem I did not know about, and probably never would have fully understood it, but your Internet looks really bad on the new iPad. Kiko shuffled in here a week ago, looked at one of our advanced tabloids, and wrinkled his nose. It was as though he could somehow smell the jpeg artifacts. He gave it back by holding it at the extreme reach of his arm, eyes closed, breath held, head turned sharply away.
I do not have that problem.
It’s like with anything: I primarily look at text, which is sharp for real. But the future will not wait, and to that end we have begun creating images that manifest an almost terrifying excellence.
My sister was in town last weekend, and since I am the only person in this family who is on speaking terms with technology, she wanted to know what kind of computer she should get. Her old one is old. It has become recalcitrant. It cannot or will not web as it once did. It was a very strange conversation, because it’s becoming very clear that for ninety-five percent of usage cases NOBODY needs a computer. She could just as easily have asked me what kind of Anvil she should get.
Invariably, the Blacksmiths in the audience are going to pipe up, their hammer levered over their shoulder, apron covered in the accumulated work of the forge, and say that anvils are the best. But I’m not saying that nobody needs one, I’m saying that almost nobody needs one. I am never bringing a computer anywhere, ever again: I have a wireless keyboard, and the case for this iPad lets it stand with the vigor of a Private at muster. It won’t pair with my “mighty mouse,” but that’s an artifact of the Jobsian era, and should be remedied forthwith.
Dungeon Defenders is very cool, and the people who make it wanted to do something which was also cool for PAX. As people who crave such things, cool ones I mean, we have a vested interest in allowing them - in this case, it’s Penny Arcade characters you can use in the game! They sent us such a sequence of incredible shit from the word “go” that I hardly know what to say. Ostensibly, they were sending us these things to give “notes” or to say what they did wrong, but they didn’t do anything wrong and everything was amazing.
If you’re a fan of Dungeon Defenders, I’d head over and check it out. And if you aren’t, this is a matter which may be easily resolved.